Reviving Old Friendships
or 'just send that message'
I recently met up with a friend from university. The last time we'd spoken before that was four years ago. I was scrolling through my Facebook account when I came across his name. I paused, and thought: was there actually any reason we'd stopped keeping in touch?
There wasn't. No fight, no falling-out. Just life, responsibilities, and drift.
I sent him a message on a whim. We ended up grabbing dinner and talking for hours.
Now, I have a friend again. A small action—a message—led to a revived friendship. That's it.
There's a lot of discourse on the importance of deep friendships, and rightly so! But deep friendships don't just happen. They're built, but also maintained. Maintenance often looks like a simple check-in, a text, a shared meal. Before you can have the type of connection where you can call and show up on someone's doorstep at 2 a.m., you have to stay in each other's lives on some consistent level. You can't deepen what you've let go.
Adults have increasingly fewer friendships as they age. I don't think it's a product of any willingness to abandon friendships, but rather a function of life—people have jobs, responsibilities, families. Those quiet intervals grow into permanent distance. It's rarely one big moment that ends a friendship, but rather a dozen decisions to do nothing, to not text or call. To assume that the other person doesn't care, or wouldn't pick up.
We all have people we've lost touch with. If you're an adult, you've probably cycled through classmates, ex-colleagues, or distant relatives. They pass through our minds when we hear an old song, walk past a place we used to hang, or scroll through old photographs. We reminisce about the good times, but do nothing to revive said times.
I get it. There's an innate weirdness to reaching out; you don't want to barge back into someone's life. Especially if, on some level, you feel responsible for the lapse in connection. But most people don't care about that gap. They're glad to hear from you! Life gets in the way of us all, and people understand that. What is needed is for someone to make that first move, and that can be you.
It doesn't need to be some elaborate message you've spent hours thinking about. You don't need to profusely apologize. Just send a small message. That's all it takes to open a door that was never really closed—just left slightly ajar, waiting to be opened.
The crucial step that's often missed though is, after that initial exchange, make sure to set a concrete time and date to meet.
“We should meet sometime!” rarely results in actually meeting.
“Let's grab coffee next Tuesday at 6?” almost always does.
Without that concreteness, even pleasant reconciliation can fade back into that pattern of absence.
And let's say you do meet and get along; it's important to keep on maintaining that friendship. Not every friendship requires the same level of maintenance. There are those friends where you can not talk for a year, and catch up, and it's like you've never left. Some connections demand regular contact to stay vital. There is a special comfort in those friendships that pick up where they left off. What's important is recognizing which friendships fall into which category, giving each its due accordingly. Both are valuable.
Of course, it's also worth acknowledging that friendships can fade for good reason. Not every connection deserves resurrection. Perhaps you've just grown apart in fundamentally different ways, or have changed in a way which renders you incompatible. The goal isn't to maintain every relationship at all costs, but be intentional about the ones you let go and the ones you choose to nurture.
If someone's been on your mind, just drop them a message. Call them. Don't overthink it. There's a chance they may not respond, for a variety of reasons. But you may just get a conversation, a laugh, a friend.